This is life, right now

This is the first blog I have ever done.

It’s a big step for me because a couple of years ago I could not bear to contribute anything to the internet for fear of how others might take it. I had massive social anxiety. Facebook was purely to receive invitations. I still don’t post particularly personal things on facebook, but now, five years after signing up for an Etsy shop, I have finally convinced myself to start selling through it.

It was three years ago I got a job that I really, really wanted. I hoped it would be the beginning of a long and illustrious career.

Life had other plans.

I also have fibromyalgia. I was first diagnosed at the end of 2005. I disappeared for a few years and really only began to re-emerge around 2009/2010. But it hadn't gone away. It was only ever managed, and by the middle of last year I began to realize that I was no longer managing it. Life was sucked into deep, dark vortex and left me only with work. The rest of my time was spent recovering, trying to sleep, trying to rid my body of the pain.

I continued to try and make it work but by Easter this year it was unbearable.

Long story short, sick leave was taken but eventually I knew it would be better for my health, for life, for my husband, for my sanity, for his sanity, if I resigned.

In some ways it was a massive decision – I had really wanted this teaching position.

In other ways it was easy – I knew I was only barely surviving and that it would only get worse.

So, once again, I am ‘at home’.

I’m not sure what is next, but this time at home has meant that I have been able to re-discover some parts of life that were previously sucked into the vortex of nothingness.

Like re-connecting with my wonderful Peter. Occasionally getting some sleep. Exercising. Seeing people. Thinking clearly. Learning new things. Making art.

My job was a tertiary teaching position and I taught a variety of art units (creative process, art & spirituality, drama...). But I had no opportunity, headspace, physical energy to make my own art, and as anyone else with an innate desire to create in this way knows, this was incredibly difficult to live with. Or rather, live without.

Now I am back to making things and I love it. I love to make out of what is in front of me, to play, to experiment and discover how to make it work.

I also love the space art provides for me to reconnect with my inner self and with the Spirit of God.

My plan is that this blog will focus on art, spirituality and health.

My plan is that I will continue to make and sell things online.

We’ll see how that goes.

It’s a long, uncertain process but it gives me hope that there is a more sustainable lifestyle ‘somewhere out there’ for me.

Maybe ‘somewhere out there’ is actually right here, in my choc-full little home studio filled to the brim with fun things to make.

#fibromyalgia #health #artspirituality #faith #socialanxiety